I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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