Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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