I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
