he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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