I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
