My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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