First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
