I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
They took my balls.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
