All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
