are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
