i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
