I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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