I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
