it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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