The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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