Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
In America we eat man semen.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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