WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
