They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
