I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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