i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
