my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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