The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
