she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
