Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
