i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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