I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
