woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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