she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
