Just fell off a train. Bad.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Text me some of your sweat
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
