I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
