I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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