dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
