I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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