Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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