I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
