i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
