i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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