nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
