No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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