I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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