Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
wat bout pragnant strippers??
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
