so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
