the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm just crazy horny about you
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
