Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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