dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
