I cannot find my penis.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
