Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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