I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
