Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
