That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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