He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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