Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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