dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
