At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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