When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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